Living without him isn't a joy nor a nightmare.
I feel as I’m missing something, everyday. But we are always missing something, aren’t we?.
I would like to share my accomplishments with him, although I never felt like he was really showing much appreciation for them anyways (he was probably trying his best), I would definitely like to eat a rare steak watching his enjoyment, and devour popcorns and a movie with him, I would absolutely go crazy for a cool snowboard vacation like the ones he used to organize for my sister and me, and I would just be happy with a walk around Sabadell or a fresh orxata with him.
I would like him to meet my amazing girlfriend, and no doubt, I would love if he would call me for my birthday.
All in all, I would like him to tell me: I'm proud of you.
(Probably he is saying it silently right now? That would be cool.).
I'm proud of him although he fucked it up massively sometimes. We all do. The thing is, do we want to do better?
Any of the things mentioned above aren't happening since September 2012. I went through two major depressions, since then, been on Prozac on and off, and made the biggest relocation of my life, to date. On September 2013 I moved to New York City and everything, continued, to change. For the good.
Pare, I miss you, and I know you are hurting somewhere deep inside. I refuse to think you are a fucking psycho without feelings, I know you, I know you have feelings. I acknowledge them, and I love you and I admire some of the good you did in your life. I also forgive you for all the pain you inflicted to me and to others around me.
Without forgiving you I couldn’t live.
My biological dad is still alive but he cut me entirely from his life 5 years ago. Maybe he feels that life without me is a joy? As the first testimony in this article explains:
"Somehow I mustered the courage to tell her I was done with her: done with the fights, done with the provocations, done with the criticism. I felt freed, like a slave being freed from an evil tyrant. Overall, life without my mother is a joy.’"
I never thought about it like this. I definitely don’t consider myself an evil tyrant, my father was the evil tyrant!, but maybe he saw me this way too? I’m sorry if that is the case, pare.
Anyhow, I don't know why exactly he is just making it go for so long, but he cut me off completely and my whole world went to darkness for a totally exhausting and excruciating period of time. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want anything to do with me, his bright, extrovert, and oldest daughter. I definitely wasn’t experiencing any type of joy living without him. For a long time I would only dream of him hugging me and telling me he loved me.
I’m happy I’m not dreaming that much about him these days. It was painful.
And yes, my father abandoned me at 25 years old and I was suffering a great deal because of that, should I feel guilty for this? I don't think so.
I did, though, reach out to him the other day through WhatsApp. Sometimes with more insistence sometimes with less, I've been reaching out to him via different medias this past 5 years. Never received any type of answer, actually with this WhatsApp attempt, as soon as he realized it was me, he blocked me.
OK, I get it dad, you don’t want to be my dad anymore for now, maybe forever? Well, I can just wish you the best in life. Luckily, I found the best people who love me and nurture me like you didn’t knew how to do, and I guess you found the best people to do the same for you. I was jealous of them for a while, because I truly believed nobody would ever love you as I loved you. But jealousy is a shitty feeling.
If you are happy, wherever you are and with whoever you are, I’m happy for you too.
Sure. I’ve been the most obsessive girl sometimes and I know this has a lot to do with the fact of feeling abandoned. It had to do with the fact that I needed SO much validation and approval. All the validation and approval that I didn’t received from you, and sometimes from mom too. Although she is how she is, she has never cut me off, and actually she saved the day some weeks ago in Paris, so, thanks for that mamut. Sure, I get you hated when I was so honest and open about life, love, and relations, our relation specially! I'm sorry. But you should deal with it. I'm a writer in big part thanks to you. So, gràcies.
I’m slowly but surely working on all this pain that has come from multiple directions.
I will always love you, pare, and my doors will be open. I would love if you decide to choose some sort of healing path, that actually works.
I guess it is working for you these days?, so I should mind my own business, you might say?
I don’t know, pare. We were so connected in the past, that it is still kind of hard to think that you don't exist anymore. On my end, I’m on my own healing path. It is a never ending story this healing path thing. Regardless if you care or not. I want to tell you that I’m on a healing path and that this is the only thing we ALL humans, need. A healing path filled with empathy, acceptance, and non judgmental moments. After all, this is a river and we just navigate it and let go.
I hope you are joyful today.
T’estimo,
Laura.
